


Nothing Better Than The End

by Listae



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drugs, End!verse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-23
Updated: 2014-01-08
Packaged: 2018-01-05 17:43:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1096728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Listae/pseuds/Listae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Yeah, alright, I suppose he does love you, but that doesn't make you any less insane, dude!" I growl. "Of course not! Come on, Dean – it's the end of the world and I've been broken and I have fallen in all the ways possible, of course I'm insane!" Cas chuckles and I can't help but think how human this Cas really is and yet how similar he is to Castiel I know. End!verse, Destiel</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! It's been a while since I've started reading and writing destiel now and through all this time I've read enough 'the end' stories to seriously hurt my soul. There are bleak ones, angry ones, cruel ones, dejected ones and the ones that get to me the most - hopeless ones.
> 
> For a long time I couldn't even think about writing 'the end' story simply because I liked both Dean and Cas too much to portray them the way they were in that horrible universe. Don't get me wrong, I still love them, but I think canon kind of helped me to start looking at them differently and I finally thought I could probably try writing 'the end'.
> 
> Mind you, I still don't want it to be hopeless, so perhaps this will not be the bleakest story you have ever read :) Besides, if I wait any longer 2014 won't even be the future, hehe :)
> 
> Okay, now the official part:
> 
> Pairing: 2014!Dean/2014!Cas, 2014!Dean/others (non-explicit), 2014!Cas/others (non-explicit)
> 
> Warnings: Spoilers to "The End", M/M explicit sexuality, language, violence, character death
> 
> Rating: Explicit
> 
> Disclaimer: don't own SPN
> 
> Enough of my ramblings, enjoy and let me know what you think.
> 
> L.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this cover for my story done by amazing Mistofstars - she's been awesome in cheering, supporting and also creating beautiful things for my stories! Thanks, hun!

 

"Shit, shit, shit, shit! That goddamn pain in the ass sonofabitch!" I all but growl. I fucking hate angels. Seriously, those emotionally impaired, freakin' righteous idiots with superiority complex the size of the moon! Sure, there's also Cas, but he's a weirdo of the family. All the rest are just ginormous, colossal dicks.

I look around. Right, so where the hell am I? What the hell is happening? I'm still in the motel room, but it looks different. The window is smashed and it looks as if… As if it hasn't been used in quite a while, to put it mildly. Freakin' angels, I'm sure of it.

I walk outside the motel, and honestly, I'm startled by the sight in front of me. The whole damn city looks… destroyed. There's a scuffling noise in the alley and I walk towards it. A little girl is crouching there. It's a bit dark, but from what I see she's not looking mint. She's dirty and battered and she's dragging her even worse looking teddy. For fuck's sake, she is seriously looking like that creepy Ring kid. Creepy kids always gave me the willies.

"Little girl! Little girl!" I shout out stupidly, but she continues ignoring me, dragging her battered toy. "Are you hurt?"

She lifts her head and I see she is hurt, the blood is trickling down her chin.

"You know the not-talking thing is kind of creepy, right?" I manage, but then she shrieks and attacks me. I'm not fond of beating kids, seriously, but what am I suppose to do when a creepy horror flick kid runs at me with the shard of glass? I flatten her and as soon as I do I spot a sign on the wall. "Oh, crap."

Dammit, how could I have not seen it? Dammit, dammit, dammit!

CROATOAN

Of course that's when all hell breaks loose and before I know it I'm running from the herd of freakin' zombie lookalikes and the soldiers are shooting them as their boom box hollers the stupid rock'n'roll piece.

I manage to get away and hide, but dammit that was close. And most importantly – what the actual fuck?!

It takes me almost the entire day to get out of the city. I have to move quietly, always in shadows, because the only gun I have is a piece of pipe I found and from what I remember blunt objects don't really work all that well on the infected. I tried praying to Cas, but he's either gone awol again or… No, I don't want to think about that, Cas is a tough sonofabitch, even if he looks like a nerdy tax accountant most of the time. I remember his 'I'm about to smite you' face – the dude's pretty awesome, he's got to be okay.

When I finally reach the edge of the city, I see there's a fence stretched as far as I can see in both directions. I spot a sign on it and go closer to read it. It takes me couple of moments to process what I see until I mutter. "August first, 2014."

Okay, so it's back to the future crap then. 2014 and the world is apparently a croatoan zombieland. Awesome!

"Cas, goddamnit! If you're anywhere there – get your feathery ass down here!" I groan, but of course he doesn't show up. Sometimes he's a dick too.

I find the weakest point of the fence and slide under it. Okay, so I should be in no croatoan zone, but assuming rarely got me anywhere good, so I'll just have to be on a look out. And I really need to get a ride and a gun, soon. As in now.

Conveniently, too conveniently perhaps, the first car I try is not only working but has enough gas to get me to Bobby's. I shrug – never the one to look the freakin' horse in the mouth. I should have, I suppose, because as soon as I hit the road, I hear a distinctly familiar and seriously hated voice.

"Croatoan pandemic reaches Australia." Zachariah reads. I jump and swear under my breath.

"The head of dicks himself. Of course, who else could it be?!"

"Ah, Dean, charming as ever." He nods at me and continues reading. "President Palin defends bombing Huston."

"What the hell do you want? What's with back to the future crap?" I hiss at him.

"All in good time. I want you to see what your stupid, stubborn and pigheaded choices will bring to this world you claim you're trying to protect."

"Okay, well, good, great. You have had your jollies. Now send me back, you sonofabitch."

"Oh, but no, no, no. This was hardly what I wanted you to see. Why don't you stew in all this a little bit? Marinate."

"Marinate?" I stare at him. What a colossal dick! "I get it – if I don't agree to be Michael's best tux – this is what will happen? Is that it? I get it. Now bring me back!"

"Are you ready to say yes?" He asks smirking.

"Nah." I shrug. "And it ain't gonna change."

"Dean, Dean, Dean… I hoped you had it in you, the grain of sanity at least. Oh well, that's nothing a three day getaway can't fix, now is it? Let's make it a proper holiday to the end of the world. Enjoy!"

With all too familiar rustling of feathers he disappears and I curse again. So the end of the world? Because I said no? Well that's a comforting thought. Dammit…

It takes me four hours to get to Bobby's. Four hours of the scenery that any movie maker would kill for. The devastation and the destruction worthy of the bleariest Night Shyamalan creations.

Even before I come into Bobby's house, I know he's not there. The place looks abandoned as everything else in this god forsaken place. The door is open so I come in and look around. Almost instantly I see Bobby's wheelchair lying on the floor. I lift it up and I can see three bullet holes smeared with long ago dried blood. I curse again and it makes it feel a bit less eerie. I go to his hiding place and pull it open. Thankfully his journal is still there. I leaf through it trying to get some clues as to where Sam or maybe future me could be. All I find is a photo of three guys I've never seen, Bobby in a wheelchair and… Cas. They are all holding guns, all serious and distant. Bobby has always been a grumpy old bastard, so the look is not so surprising on him, but Cas… He's not in his stupid trench coat I've grown used to see him in. He's wearing clothes that could as well be mine – jeans and boots and flannel. He looks tired and he's sure as hell not angel fresh. One of his hands is on Bobby's shoulder, the other clutching a shotgun. I flip the photo over and there's caption written in Bobby's messy scrawl: Camp Chitaqua, 2013.

"Cas, goddamnit! I'm freakin' praying to you, get down here!" I mutter, but there's no rustle of feathers and he doesn't pop up right in my face. Fuck it, never thought I could find myself actually wishing for his crazy quirks. This place or time or whatever the hell it is, is getting to me and not in a good way.

I put the photo in the back pocket of my jeans and briefly wonder who are the other guys in it and why me and Sammy are not there. I don't have much time though – it'll take me another three hours to get to Camp Chitaqua and I really want to be there before the dawn.

The drive to the camp actually took me almost six hours – I had to change the cars because it's the freakin' end of the world and gas stations no longer work 24/7. From the looks of it, they don't work at all. On my fifth attempt I found a minivan that did have some gas in it. Apparently, in the end of the world I'm freakin' soccer mom. Anyway, I'm finally at the camp. I leave the car half a mile to the camp. I don't really know what to expect – the picture was taken a year ago, I can literally find anything there. So I decide to do a little bit of scouting around.

The first thing I see after having dodged being spotted by the guard is my baby. Except it can't really be her! How could anyone let this happen to her? She's sitting on all rims, rusty and so damned sad. She's still beautiful, if you know how to look at her, but there's an air of desperation about her. Dammit!

I sneak around her further to the camp. There are quite a few cabins – twenty, maybe even thirty – and one bigger house. I see couple of people in the camp and from what I can tell they are guards, mostly. I look around. There are few trucks at the far end of the camp and a building that looks a lot like storage unit. If I was running this place that's where the supplies and the guns would be held. There's also a guard at the door so maybe I'm not that far off. I'm about to sneak towards there when I hear a flick of the lighter too close to me. I spun around to see where the sound came from and I'm momentarily relieved that I'm still in the shadows. The lighter is flicked again and I see the spark in front of the nearest cabin to me. I freeze. The man there flicks it the third time and this time it lights. It takes me a moment to process what I'm seeing before I sag with relief. My head can't wrap itself around the sight, but it does at the very least acknowledge that it's Cas lighting the cigarette. He's sitting in front of the cabin, leaning against the wall of it. It takes me another moment to realize he's not alone – there's a woman lying next to him, her head in his lap. Cas' fingers tread her hair lightly and she chuckles as he drags in a smoke and then passes the death stick to her. I think I'm having an out of body experience, because seriously – what the fuck is that?!

"Cas." I mutter and I step out of the shadows and start walking to him. He snaps his head up, but it's too dark for me to see him properly in the distance. What I do see is him tensing up for a second before he looks down at the chick in his lap.

"You've got to go, June." He tells her quietly and then chuckles. Yes, he actually chuckles and fuck it if I ever even heard him chuckle before! "Our fearless leader seems to request the audience."

I can hear the woman sigh as she pushes the butt of the cigarette back into Cas' fingers.

"The leader's got to come first." She laughs standing up. I'm not proud to admit, but I think my jaw actually hits the ground when she bends to kiss Cas and he not only doesn't flinch or pull back, but actually shoves his tongue into her mouth. His tongue! The guy who freaked out royally at the whorehouse three days ago! Again – what the fuck is happening?!

"Cas…" I mutter again when she leaves. "Dammit Cas, I'm so fucking glad you're here!"

He looks at me for a second and then does his crazy head tilt thing.

"You're not Dean." He says finally. There's no worry or anything in his voice, he's just stating the fact. "Not 'now Dean' anyway. Not the fearless leader."

"What? No. Yeah. I mean, yes, I'm not from here or not from now. Whatever." I shake my head. This crap is confusing.

"Zachariah?" He asks indifferently.

"Yeah, the dick found me and threw me here!"

"So when are you from?" He asks and lights another cigarette.

"End of 2009." I tell him, but my eyes are fixed on the death stick. "Since when do you smoke?"

"Beginning of 2014." He laughs. "Want one?"

"Okay, just cut the crap, man! What the hell? I prayed to you, why didn't you come? No, you know what, scratch that. Just strap your wings on and get me back to my time." I growl at him. This is getting ridiculous.

Cas looks at me for few seconds and then starts laughing. It's not a nice laughter, it's bitter and angry and desperate, but he laughs and laughs and I just don't have it in me to make him stop. When he finally gets hold of himself he croaks.

"The only prayers I get these days are personally delivered. And the wings…" He stands up, raises his arms above his head and entwines his fingers. He stretches and twists working the kinks out and as his shirt lifts to reveal the stretch of skin at his waist I notice how thin he is. I mean, sure, behind all the layers he's used to wearing you can't really judge, but the guy in front of me only wears a thin shirt and slacks and as he stretches I notice just how thin he is. He's all muscles – lean and hard, but he's just too damn skinny. I tear my eyes off his skin and meet his gaze again. He's looking at me steadily, small smirk on his lips. I can see he's about to say something and for no apparent reason I feel freakin' uncomfortable. He's not even in my space, what the hell do I have to feel flushed about? Anyway, before he says anything, I hear a voice that shoots me back to the out of body experience mode.

"What the fuck Cas? Who's that? How did you…" My own voice bellows behind me and even before I spun around I notice how Cas' shoulders sag a little. He shakes out of it in a second though, because the next thing I hear while staring in my own eyes is his smirking voice.

"Well hello, Leader! Look whom cat dragged in." He pauses and I stare myself in the face. "Not as much cat as Zachariah though… Even I'm not high enough to confuse Zach with the feline."

"Shut the fuck up!" The version of me snaps at him. "What the hell is this? Did you at least check?"

He grabs my arm and I know what's gonna happen next. Before I get the chance to shove him off me, he slides a silver knife over my arm. I hiss.

"Get off me!" I yell, but he grabs my arm again and pours what I assume is holy water on me. "Happy?"

"Not particularly." He answers narrowing his eyes at me. "What are you?"

"Dean, meet our fearless leader." I hear Cas laugh. "Leader, Dean of airy 2009. I'll let you two get reacquainted."

I look around to see him climb slowly up the stairs of what I suppose is his cabin. On the top step he turns back and locks his gaze with the other me.

"And no, I didn't check." He drawls. "I can recognize you without making you bleed."

They stare at each other for a few moments longer and suddenly I realize what the fuss was all about. This staring is freaky! Finally, Cas turns around and enters his cabin.

"So, 2009?" The other me asks. "What the hell's that about?"

"The head of dicks, Zach, got to me. He beamed me here. Said I've got to see it for myself. Dammit, what the hell happened here?"

"Lucifer." He says.

"Yeah, but seriously, what the hell? Where are the angels? Why aren't they fighting it?"

"The angels?" He sneers and his eyes flicks to the doorway of Cas' cabin. "That pathetic excuse for a man is what's left of your precious angels."

I stare at him trying to process what he said. Did he really… What? Was he talking about Cas? No.

"What?" I finally croak.

"In your time he's still Castiel, isn't he?" He smirks. "It's been so long… He's not an angel anymore. The angels left. They pulled up the ladder and disappeared and all we're left with is this fallen junkie and Lucifer."

"He's still Cas." I growl and he laughs bitterly. Seriously, never thought I'd be the one to say this, but dammit, I'm a dick! "And what the hell happened? He stayed behind? Or did they cast him out?"

"The idiot stayed."

"You know what – you suck!" I snap, because seriously, this dick is getting to me. "What's wrong with you? Cas is our friend! He's family!"

"Is he now?" The dick smirks. "How 'bout this – I gotta go on patrol and I don't want anyone to see you. I have a camp full of scared people and the least they need is a live recap of parents trap. So why don't you stay with your dear friend Cas for couple of days. See for yourself, so to say."

"I'm not gonna sit tight. What use of me being here if I spend the time locked up? And where the hell is Sammy? I wanna talk to him."

As soon as I say Sam's name, I can see it in the other me's face – the pain and the guilt. I've seen it more than enough times in the mirror.

"We lost Sam." He finally mutters. "Detroit. It was destroyed and Sammy was there."

"No…" I growl. No, no, no… I won't let this happen, dammit. I won't let this happen!

"Why don't you ask your friend tell you all about it?" He asks then. "And don't be seen. And if you're seen, pretend you're me. Properly."

"So, I should be a proper dick?" I can't stop myself from asking, but the other me doesn't bother answering, he just turns and strides away.


	2. Chapter 2

I enter the cabin and look around. Cas is sitting on the bed looking at me as I take the sight in. The room is almost empty – all it has is a big bed Cas is sitting on, a closet, a rug on the floor and a table. I walk to the table. There's a mess on it – dishes, bottles, papers and all that, but I only look at the framed picture there. It was taken in Bobby's front yard – I can see his house in the background. Cas is sitting on the bench wearing a slightly bewildered yet amused expression while Bobby is in his wheelchair, right in front of him, hollering with laughter.

"He yelled at me for ruining his stew that day. He asked me to put some salt in it and I didn't know how much some salt was. It turns out a handful was too much… I went outside to get out of his way then, but I think you chewed him out for yelling and Bobby came to get me back. He said he'd teach me how to cook his 'hobo stew' and I said I wasn't too fond of cannibalism even though it wouldn't technically be cannibalism for me. That's when you snapped the picture."

I grin at him.

"Bobby is a grumpy old bastard, but he always liked you."

"I know." He says silently and drops his eyes to his hands. "He didn't make it. Croats."

"Croats?" I ask and there's a tight burning knot in my stomach.

"Infected with croatoan. Croats." He clarifies. He shakes his head trying to pull himself out of whatever it is he's thinking about. "I used to have another picture - one of you teaching me to shoot a shotgun. But the fearless leader deemed it inappropriate and threw it away. I promised him to slit his throat in the middle of the night if he touched this one too. It seems we understood each other."

"Cas…"

"He told you to come here, didn't he? Am I to babysit you?" He asks without looking at me.

"Cas, what happened to you? What happened to me?" I ask him and even I can hear the desperation in my voice. Cas is about to say something, but at that precise moment a really good looking brunette pokes her head in.

"Cas, you wanna… Oh. Dean… I didn't know you were here." She stares at me surprised. I suppose I don't come visiting much. She continues. "It's been a while."

Cas chuckles darkly and slides off the bed. He strides towards her, wraps his arm around her waist and pushes her outside. Since there's no door, just the beaded curtain, I can hear them perfectly.

"Sorry April, it looks like tonight I'm otherwise engaged." He laughs and then they're silent for a long time. I assume he's making out with her. This is beyond bizarre. I sit on the edge of the bed. "Come tomorrow. And bring June with you."

When he comes back I can't take it anymore.

"Listen, man, you gotta tell me everything! This place or time or whatever is fucking with me and not in a good way! And what's with the chicks named for months?!"

Cas laughs and flops down on the bed beside me. "Coincidence." He stretches again and can't stop myself from asking.

"Cas, do you eat enough? I mean you're too damn thin. I know it's the end of the world and all, but the other me seems fine."

"Ah, well, being a leader has its perks." He grins. "And being the one the leader hates makes grocery shopping somewhat complicated."

"He doesn't hate you."

"Oh yes, he does. He's been most insistent on that account."

"What does that even mean? He doesn't give you food?"

"He doesn't give anyone food. There are rations for everyone in this camp, but they are not too… plentiful. Besides, there are kids here, you know, teenagers. They need more food than I do, so I try to share. And then... Fearless takes others on the raids where everyone can stock up on what they want. I don't have this luxury."

He laughs again even though I see nothing funny about it.

"It doesn't matter much. There are other forms of decadence I enjoy much more than food. And I have friends, I manage. He gets me my pills though and that's all that matters."

"Pills? So you do drugs now?"

"It's the end of the world, Dean. Live a little."

"Why does he get you pills? I mean… Why would he?"

"Because I went away when he didn't. This life… It's pointless. And I'm pretty useless – I'm sure he must've mentioned that. Anyway, when he refused to take me on raids and refused to bring me my pills, I told him I'd leave. He pointed me to the general direction of the gates." He laughs bitterly again. "I don't think he believed me. He was so used to me always crawling back to him… Well, no wonder, I did always crawl back, from the first time I met… you. But… It finally dawned on me that there was no reason for me to stay or to come back anymore. Bobby was dead and the leader made sure I know what a waste of space I am. So I just took my gun and walked away. I suppose, all things considered, I should feel lucky that in the three days I was away I didn't meet the group of croats. I met some – I avoided the most and killed a few. Anyway, our fearless leader found me on the fourth day. He made me some promises he has yet to break. One of them was to make sure I get my pills."

"This is so messed up…" I mutter and he smiles at me. I think it's his first real smile I've seen so far.

"Hey! He's doing his best, alright? Don't judge him, you don't know how it's been for him."

"Still think he's worth saving?" I ask looking at him. It takes him few moments to reply.

"More than ever." He says seriously and then jumps off the bed. "Enough of this heart to heart. We're going out. It's still early, we can sneak out without too many people seeing you."

He opens the closet and pulls out a bottle of Jack and hands it over to me. He digs some more and pulls out a bag of cookies.

"Ha! I knew I had something." He grins triumphantly. "And if you get fussy on me, I'll kick your ass."

"I won't get fussy, but could you dig some more? Maybe there's hamburger somewhere there?" I smile and he laughs. Properly this time.

"Hamburger! Damn, I think last time I got one of those was back at Bobby's. He made mean hamburgers. Of course we had to find and kill a cow to get them… Totally worth it!"

"Kill a cow? Now that's a reality check!"

"Tell me about it! Mike almost wept. Of course when he got his first mouthful of Bobby's burger, the sorrow was forgotten."

"Who's Mike?" I ask.

"A friend." He says simply. "Alright, let's get going. Grab that blanket, will you?"

I do as he says and we're out of the cabin. He moves silently, stealthily and I can't help but compare his easy movements with the purposeful stride of Castiel I know. This Cas' way seems to work just fine, because he notices those few awake people way before they even look our way and we manage to get out of the camp without anyone seeing us. It doesn't take long before we reach the clearing in the forest and I realize we're at the lake. The sun's barely up and it's so peaceful here it's surreal. Cas takes the blanket from me and spreads it out on the shore. He sits on it and tugs at my arm for me to sit down as well.

"My favorite place on Earth." He says a tad sarcastically. I don't think he's lying though.

"What are we doing here Cas?" I ask and he grins.

"I was hoping to get a drink with a friend I haven't seen in a while. You game?"

"Will you tell me what happened here?"

"As much as I can. There are things the leader has to tell you. They are not mine to say."

"Why do you call him that?"

"If the shoe fits…" He drawls. "Besides, it pisses him off."

I laugh at that. "Alright, let's get that drink."

And that's exactly what we do. We drink, eat stale cookies and Cas talks. He tells me about angels leaving in 2010. He tells me how his brother Balthazar came to him a night before and begged him to go with them, but he chose to stay. He tells me how for few months after that he and other Dean lived at Bobby's while Cas adjusted to his new life as a human. He tells me how he helped Bobby with his books and translations and how other Dean taught him to drive. He tells me how he learned to shoot. He tells me how he taught other Dean to fight like an angel – efficiently and ruthlessly. He tells me how they went on hunts, travelling together and always going back to Bobby's at the end. He tells me how every week he called Sam to let him know other Dean was okay and to hear that Sam was too. He tells me about the string of disasters – tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes and floods that Lucifer conjured. He tells me how other Dean took the news about that as the hit after hit, blaming himself, counting the dead. He tells me how Bobby and Cas tried to snap the other Dean out of it, convince it wasn't his fault. He tells me how Detroit was destroyed and that after that they never heard from Sam again. He tells me how other Dean stopped talking after that and how for months Cas and Bobby tried to coax a word out of him. He tells me about the first news of croatoan virus – how it spread like wildfire and before anyone knew it, it reached the state of pandemic. He tells me how the other Dean snapped out of his nearly catatonic state and made the decision to move from Bobby's to the camp and gather the survivors. From then on, he refers to him as 'the leader'. He tells me how Bobby refused to go and how Cas himself wanted to stay, but knew the leader needed help. He tells me how the leader started gathering people, organizing raids, rations, tracking supplies, stationing guards and endlessly looking for the Colt. He tells me how around the middle of 2012 he returned to Bobby, not wanting to be part of the camp anymore. He tells me how the leader came for him and dragged him back to the camp, saying he owed him for his life. He tells me how Bobby came with them, because Cas couldn't do it alone anymore. He tells me how in 2013 Bobby and him left again, together with other three men to live at Bobby's. He tells me how he was on the raid for food and other supplies with Mike and when they returned, they found croats swarming all over the place. He tells me how he was too late to save Bobby and how he would never forgive himself for that. He tells me how the leader never forgave him either when Mike forced him to go back to camp. He tells me how he broke his foot and was given pills the first time. He tells me how he made the decision to never be sober again and how he has yet to break that resolve. He tells me how he found peace in drugs and alcohol and sex.

When he's finished it's almost noon and we're both drunk. He lifts the bottle and says.

"To Bobby!"

He gulps down half of what left in the bottle and passes it to me. I can see his eyes are glassy with unshed tears, but honestly I think mine are too.

"To Bobby!" I echo and drink up.

"I didn't get to bury him, Dean. I didn't get to say goodbye." He slurs. "I asked the leader to drink with me to Bobby. But he just hit me and yelled it was my fault… I know he's right, but I just needed to let him go."

"It's not your fault, Cas! Come on!" I tell him and notice he's shaking. I don't know why, probably because I'm pretty drunk, not having eaten anything but few cookies in two days and drinking half the bottle of Jack, and maybe because he just really needs it, I hug him. He freezes for a second and I think I might've made a mistake, but then he clutches me, burying his face in my chest and shaking all over.

"I'm so sorry Dean…" He whispers. "I'm so sorry I failed him. I should've been there. I should've saved him or died trying! At least then you wouldn't hate me that much… I'm so fucking sorry!"

"Come on, man! It's not your fault. And if that dick says it is, he's full of shit. Dammit, if I know myself at all, I think he's feeling guilty and that's why he lashed out on you. And honestly, if anything it's his fault, he should never have let you leave the camp. Not without him anyway. You and Bobby was all the family he had left, how the hell could he have let you go alone?"

"We're not family, Dean. If anything, this life has proven that family does end with blood." He says silently, but he doesn't let go of me and I don't have it in me to push him away.

"No it doesn't, Cas. And if he has forgotten that, he's just a dick."

"It's not his fault. It was hard for him. He had all camp to take care of. And anyway, he asked me not to go. He said they all would get killed and it would be on me. He was right and I was wrong. Bobby would have stayed if I had. The day I left the camp… I decided I couldn't stay here anymore and I asked Bobby if he minded if I lived at his house for a while. All he said was 'finally, you damned idjit!' and started packing. I tried to convince him to stay, but he just looked at me as if I was insane and sent me to John, Ross and Mike. They were all our friends and they all wanted out too. The leader was pissed to find out. He didn't care if I left, but Bobby… He tried to make him stay too. I don't know what happened there, I didn't see it, but there was a lot of shouting. That very night all five of us left the camp."

"Okay, so all that means that Bobby would have never come to Chitaqua if not for you. It was not your fault Cas. Bobby was stubborn sonofabitch, no one could ever make him do something he didn't want. He must have cared about you a great deal to even come here in the first place."

Finally, he lets go of me.

"He did. He was… I think that's what you call a father down here." He takes a deep breath and then lies down folding his arms under his head. "You know, I forgot what's it like to be your friend."

"Yeah, well, I rock!" I grin. I am drunk and my head's spinning slightly, besides compared to the one I became in this world, I really do rock! I lie down beside Cas and close my eyes for a second. "Cas, can I ask you something?"

"Sure." He says lazily.

"Why did you want to leave so bad?"

"Ah… Now that's something I don't want to talk about. Sorry, next question."

"You're hiding something… Something big, aren't you?"

"Nothing big. What I'm hiding doesn't matter to anyone but me. I just want to keep it to myself."

"Yeah, okay." I nod. I think he says something else, but I drift to sleep.

/\/\/\

I wake up to the sound of my own voice bellowing at me. Just how surreal is that?

"What the fuck?! Cas, are you a fucking child?! You're sleeping outside of the camp!"

"Relax, oh fearless." Cas groans beside me. Sometime during our sleep we must've scooted closer to each other because he's right beside me. "There are no croats around and Dean here is safer than anyone else – Zachariah would never let him get killed here. Defies the whole purpose of this exercise. And what do you even want?"

The other me looks at us for a while as if trying to figure something out.

"You know, that was really quick. I don't remember being this ea…"

"Shut up." Cas growls and frowns at the other me. "I haven't told him anything you wouldn't want him to know so be careful with what comes out of your mouth."

"You haven't told him? Why?"

"I see no reason. That's not what he came here to learn. But if you want to – by all means."

"You didn't tell him because you don't want this to happen in his time?" The dick smirks and Cas locks his gaze with him.

"I ask myself everyday if that was the biggest mistake." He tells him finally.

"No question in my mind."

"Of course there isn't." Cas smirks. "I assume you're here for Dean?"

"Yeah, I wanna talk to him."

"Fine." He nods and turns to me with a grin. "Don't let him be a dick to you."

"From the looks of it, being a dick is his natural state." I grin back and Cas actually laughs before turning away and silently padding back to the forest.

"I see you two are cozy as ever." The other me frowns at me.

"Yeah, well, just because I turned out to be a colossal dick, doesn't mean I am now." I retort.

"So, Cas has been telling you stories then? His version of what happened here…"

"Is there your version? Because from what I heard, you kind of suck!"

"Why don't you get some more facts and not his pathetic whining before making up your mind?"

"What facts?" I growl. He genuinely pisses me off!

"Did he tell you Bobby was killed because of him? Because he was too much of a wuss to live here and dragged Bobby and three others out?"

"Yeah, he told me alright. He told me Bobby only came here in the first place because he asked him to. What the hell have you done that Bobby didn't want to come with you? What could you have possibly done that Cas was so desperate to leave he would have gone alone?"

"Me? Why would you think it was about me?"

"Because Cas I know has always had my back! Cas I know would stay behind when the angels left and Cas I know would stay with me. So what the hell happened to make him want to leave?"

"It doesn't even matter!" The other me shouts. "It's not about Cas or Bobby! It's about Sam!"

"Well what is it? You lost Sam! Fine, it's horrible, I'm sure it almost killed you. I've lost Sam once, I know what that means and how it makes me feel…"

"You don't know anything!" He shouts. "I didn't lose Sam! He's not dead, he said yes!"

"What?" I stammer over the freezing of my insides. "He what?"

"He fucking said yes to Lucifer and now the devil is wearing our brother!"

"Why?" It's all I can manage.

"I don't know why! I haven't spoken to him in five years… I should've been there with him, I should've stopped him… Dammit, it was my fault! I was so busy helping your beloved Cas with his falling that I didn't realize how bad it was for Sammy!"

"And you blame Cas for that… You wish you were with Sam to stop him…"

"I fucking had to be with Sam!"

"Then why weren't you?" I ask losing my patience. I can't believe Sam said yes. What the hell is wrong with this world?

"Because I thought us being together was far more dangerous! I was an idiot! And I let Cas pull me into his crap instead of taking care of Sammy like I was supposed to!"

"Dammit, you are an idiot! You have no right to put this on Cas. Sam was your responsibility, not Cas'. And if you couldn't get your priorities straight, how is that Cas' fault?! Or Bobby's?! And why the hell couldn't you take care of them all? You just failed to see that Sam needs help and conveniently put that on Cas!"

The next thing I know is I'm lying on the ground, my jaw aches and my head rings. How 'bout that – I kicked my own ass! The fearless leader – and seriously, the name starts rubbing on me – is nowhere to be seen. I suppose I was out for a while, because it's getting dark and I really need to get back to the camp.

By the time I reach the camp it's completely dark. I head straight to Cas' cabin, because the last person I want to see is… well, me. When I climb up the stairs I hear voices in his cabin. I assume I shouldn't go in, the leader made it clear I am not to reveal myself, but right now I couldn't care less about what that dick wants, so I just stride in. There are four of them sitting on the rug – Cas, both month chicks and a guy I've seen in the photo. They're playing cards of all things! Cas looks up at me and tilts his head.

"Fighting with yourself is not good for your health." He smirks and stands up. "Everyone – meet Dean. Dean – this is June, April and Mike."

They all look at him as if he's joking. No wonder!

"Ah, yes, you think he's our fearless leader… Yeah, I might be high, but I'm not nearly high enough not to recognize our fearless. This guy here is not him. It's complicated and doesn't matter much, so just relax and meet the guy our leader used to be." He laughs and then tugs at my arm leading me to the other room. "But before you join us, why don't we take care of your face?"

He rummages in the closet for some time and emerges holding a big bottle of hydrogen peroxide and some band aids. "Sit."

I sit down.

"It's nothing, Cas. No need to fuss."

"Yeah, well infection is not something you really need right now. And if I remember correctly, in 2009 I was falling, so I won't be able to heal you when you get back. Anyway, what the hell happened? How did you manage to get into a fight with yourself?"

"The other me is a dick, that's what happened. I told him that and he flipped out."

"Yeah, I saw him storm out on patrol. People are actually scared of him, when he's in one of his moods. They try to stay out of his sight… You shouldn't have pissed him off."

"It's kind of hard not to. He's full of shit, you know? So deep in denial it's not even funny anymore…" I hiss as he starts cleaning the wound on my eyebrow. "Cas, why didn't you tell me? About Sammy."

"Because this was his to tell. Sam saying yes changed everything. It defines who he is right now… Dean, you've got to make sure this doesn't happen in your time." He says urgently, seriously. "The leader will tell you to say yes to Michael. He tried himself, but it was too late, the angels had been gone for a while by then. But anyway, saying yes to Michael won't save you – it won't change anything. You have to make sure Sam doesn't say yes to Lucifer. That's the only thing that can still save you. It doesn't matter what happens after – you have to save Sam to save yourself, do you understand?"

"But… If I don't say yes to Michael, this will anyway happen. Croats, end of the world."

"Dammit Dean, fuck the world. You'll manage. You two always come up with something, as long as you're together. I should have realized this sooner, I should have made him go and find Sam… It doesn't matter now, it's too late for this world. But it's not too late for yours – you have to save Sam!"

"Yeah okay. Save Sam – sounds like something I'd wanna do." I smile and he grins back at me. "Whatever it takes Dean, don't let him say yes."

"It was bad, wasn't it?" I ask and he chuckles darkly.

"Yeah, it was bad. Bobby and I… We did everything we could to get you back, but… That night we lost you." He puts a band aid on the cut.

"You're still trying to save me, aren't you? After everything he did, you're still trying."

"I'm an idiot, didn't you know?" He laughs and puts his hand on my shoulder. Only then I realize just how close he is. My breath hitches for no clear reason as I stare at him as always, few seconds too long to be comfortable. Finally I grin at him. "Personal space, Cas. We've talked about it."

He freezes for a second but then he starts laughing, really laughing and I can't help but join in. The voices in the other room hush down as we laugh together and for the first time during these freakin' holidays of doom I feel alright. We laugh for a long while and I feel the tension drain from me.

"I fucking missed you!" He finally manages and we laugh some more. Maybe I'm high too? "Come on, let's go play some poker – what's the end of the world without some gambling?"


	3. Chapter 3

In the end we play poker almost the entire night. Cas’ friends turn out to be awesome all things considered. The girls are somewhat easy, judging by the way they both hit on me, but hey – it’s the end of the world. And this Mike guy seems to be really decent guy. He doesn’t leave Cas’ side for a second and Cas does seem to pay him more attention than the others, but I suppose they’ve been through a lot.

By the time they all clear out I’m drunk and beat, but I’ve heard more than enough to get the impression of what this world is like. All of his friends have lost families – April and June have lost their parents and boyfriends, Mike has lost his wife and his two year old. I can see it’s hard for all of them to speak of their losses, but Mike seems to be the most unbalanced. When he tells his story, I notice how much Cas tenses up and how he looks at him as if waiting for him to crack. He doesn’t though and by the time he finished his story, Cas relaxes and smiles at Mike as if he’s about to congratulate him for winning a gold medal or something. It’s a bit unnerving, especially since Mike stares at Cas as if he’s hung the moon. I know it shouldn’t, but somehow it pisses me off.

April tells a story of how the other Dean found her running from the herd of croats when they spotted her looking for some food in her hometown’s shop. He saved her life, but she was in shock for weeks after. It was Cas who coaxed her back to join the living with his stories and his constant caring and from the comments Mike makes I gather that if she hadn’t snapped out of it, the leader would have thrown her out. I don’t want to believe that, but Cas doesn’t really deny it either so… And then June tells the story how she and her boyfriend managed to survive croats for years before coming to Chitaqua. They heard of the camp and decided to come here, but along the way they ran into some people and decided to go together. Couple of hours later one of them turned and bit her boyfriend. He killed the croat and killed himself before she had a chance to say a word. Brave new world indeed.

There are more stories like that – they tell me some of them and keep some to themselves, but I’ve heard and seen enough to promise myself time and again to do whatever it takes not to let this happen. What surprises me the most is that despite all of this, these people are surprisingly normal – yeah, okay, Mike seems unhinged, but the girls are alright. They all smoke weed of course, but hey – kids go through tons of weed in college and I can’t even properly comprehend the stress level these guys have to deal with every day.

Anyway, they are finally out and both of us are slightly stoned and drunk. We’re still sitting on the rug, sharing the joint when I ask him.

“What’s the deal with Mike, anyway? You two seem joined at the hip.”

Cas looks at me for a long while. Then he sighs.

“When I found Mike, he was nearly catatonic. He was the one who killed his wife and kid after they turned and when I found him he was sitting staring at their corpses and waiting for some croats to find him. It was my last raid, back when the leader still allowed me on raids. It was a miracle I found him at all – I drifted too far out. There was no reason for it – Mike didn’t make a sound, but I entered the house anyway. When I saw him, I thought he was a croat, but when I trained my gun on him, he just looked up and muttered ‘finally’… So instead of killing him, I took him with me. It took me a while to convince him. So long in fact that I was sure the leader and the rest had left. It wasn’t unheard of anyway – if you didn’t get back on time, you were left behind. But I had to try to get him to this relative safety, so I stayed with him and begged him until he finally agreed to go. I was four hours late by then, so I started looking for a vehicle to get back to the camp. Instead I found very pissed off fearless leader – apparently he was looking for me and really wasn’t happy… One of the biggest shouting matches ever – he yelled and yelled how I was a threat to everyone, how he won’t go looking for me ever again and you know – all that jazz… And then Mike hit him.” He chuckles here and I can imagine the shit storm that must’ve followed. “In the end I got my ass kicked and banned from raids, but I got Mike into the camp. He lived with me for almost a month after – he needed some time to adjust, to start functioning on his own again. It’s not easy for him still – he’s in too much pain most of the time, so I like to keep him around, to spot the breakdowns before they happen and pull him out of them while I still can. He’s allowed on raids though and he’s good on them – it’s usually the quiet time that gets to him… Anyway, in the camp it is generally agreed that Mike and I are together and we both support the rumors.”

“Whoa, whoa – together as in… You know, together?!” I ask startled. What the hell?

He laughs. “Yeah, together as in together. To everyone here Mike is mine and so they leave him pretty much alone.”

“And are you… Together? As in… together?” I stammer and even to me I sound like an idiot. But hey, it’s Cas we’re talking about! As in my angel Cas – how am I supposed to react to him being together with a dude?!

“Okay, I’ll kick your ass if you tell this to anyone and I mean anyone at all, but… no, we’re not together as in together. Mike’s my friend. My best friend really and… I suppose he’s the only family I have left. He’s been with me when I was breaking down and I was with him when he was – it kind of makes you stick around.”

“And what about the leader?” I ask, because I think the dick is probably not happy about it. “How does he take him?”

“He generally loathes him.” Cas chuckles. “I mean, for all he knows, Mike and I are together and the idea of me being any degree of content pisses him off. Besides, Mike fights him every time the leader jumps on me, so no, there’s no love lost between them.”

“Yeah, I thought so…”

“Why’s that?” He asks suddenly staring at me.

“Um… Well, you know, ‘cause he’s a dick.” I mumble, but this does get me thinking. Fine, the leader is a dick, but why do I not like the idea of Cas being with that Mike guy? I mean he does sound like a nice guy and he cares about Cas a great deal. I should be happy he’s found someone, instead… It pisses me off that Cas has someone to call family that’s not… well, me. It’s absurd really, I must be more stoned than I though. So I change the subject. “Cas, man, you gotta tell me, where did you learn to play poker like that?”

Cas laughs loudly.

“You taught me. Before, when we all still lived at Bobby’s, poker was your favorite past time and you taught me all the different kinds of poker you knew. And then you complained a lot, because in the end I play better.”

“That’s a load of bullshit and you know it!” I growl and then laugh, because dammit, he is better.

“Yeah, yeah, but just so you know, you actually owe me everything you’ve got and you had been responsible for the dishes at Bobby’s for as long as we lived there.”

We both laugh again, but then Cas stiffens. I look up and see the leader standing in the doorway.

“Good, so you found your way back here. Didn’t want to go back there looking for your sorry ass.” He snarls.

“Then perhaps you shouldn’t go hitting yourself in the first place? Talk about suicidal tendencies.” Cas smirks and the leader narrows his eyes at him.

“I don’t recall asking for your opinion. Then again, nobody asks for it anymore, do they? What insight can a useless junky provide anyway?”

I swear I see red at his jibe.

“Fuck off!” I yell. “What the hell is wrong with you? How could I have become such a douche?!”

“Relax, Dean.” Cas says calmly. It appears he’s more than used to being treated that way.

“What is he, your guard dog now?” The leader sneers. “Whatever happened to Mike?”

“You know, oh fearless, I would think you’d get it – what’s with your clear and substance free brain. I would think you’d see what you have become if people around me want to protect _me_ from _you_.”

He stares at him for long while and I can almost see how he’s fuming. Finally he unclenches his fists and says silently.

“A word. Outside.”

“Hell no!” I yell, but Cas stands up.

“Don’t worry Dean. The leader has yet to actually prove I should be afraid of him. Let’s see what he wants.” He walks out of the cabin and the dick follows him. I consider going after them, but decide not to. I know he won’t actually do anything to really hurt him – I could never hurt Cas, regardless how bad things were – and clearly Cas knows it too.

I don’t know when exactly he returns, but I don’t think he’s been out for long. I’m lying on his bed, almost asleep and Cas flops down beside me.

“You okay?” I ask sleepily.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” He says, but his voice shakes and I look at him. “Really, I’m fine.”

“What did he want?” I yawn.

“To make a point. It doesn’t matter, really. He didn’t say anything I didn’t know already.”

“Way to be cryptic.” I groan.

“It doesn’t matter, Dean. And by the way, since you asked so nicely, you can sleep here, but I warn you, no cuddling!”

I grin at him. Dammit, I am in his bed and I didn’t even ask if he’s fine with me sharing it – how ‘bout that?

“I don’t cuddle.” I tell him and he laughs. “What?”

“I had to sleep with you in your Impala – you cuddle!”

“That’s a filthy lie!” I shake my head resolutely. “If the cuddliness ensued then you were the one doing it.”

“You’d think that, wouldn’t you? I gotta disappoint you – you are a cuddler! Anyway, sleep, Dean. And no cuddling.” He chuckles and we both drift to sleep.

/\/\/\

“One rule, Dean.” I hear a groggy voice as open my eyes. It takes me a moment to understand where I am. Right, 2014. I lift my head and to my utter horror I realize I am draped over my friend! My face was nuzzled between his shoulder and neck and my own traitorous arm is wrapped around his middle. I pull back at once. Dammit! I do not blush. I do not fucking blush! Except that of course I do…

“Sorry.” I mutter.

“Don’t worry about it.” He smirks. “I know I’m irresistible to cuddle at. As long as you’re not drooling on me…”

“Oh, shut up…” I groan and hide my face in the pillow. I try my best not to hear him laugh.

“Come on, relax. It’s not a big deal.” He chuckles and gets up. “I’ll go get a shower while you battle your embarrassment.”

He pads out of the door and I groan again. Dammit… This place is getting to me in all the wrong ways. I’ve shared bed with Sam countless time – when money is short and we can’t afford two rooms and the only one available is a double. Yet never, and I mean never, had I waken up snuggled against him! What the hell was that? And I can’t even blame Cas – I was the one cuddling him! Dammit!

I lie hiding my face for some time, just to get myself under control. Finally, I roll out of the bed and yawn. From the looks of it, it’s late afternoon, which means I've slept for at the very least seven hours. Now that’s something – it’s the end of the world and I sleep like a baby. I hear someone climbing up the steps and turn around to see who it is. It’s Mike.

“Hi Mike. Cas is not here, he’s taking a shower.” I tell him and he nods seriously.

“I know, I saw him go. It’s you I wanted to speak to.”

“Okay.” I say carefully. There’s something in his tone I don’t particularly like. “What is it?”

“Cas. I know he thinks you’re not the same as the fearless leader, but to me it sounds like a load of crap. And I don’t intend to sit around and do nothing while you stamp on him again.”

“Hey!” I scowl. “I have never… I have no intentions of stamping on him.”

“Yeah, well, forgive me for not trusting you. Your carbon copy is always more than happy to kick Cas whenever he gets his guard down.”

“I'm not…”

“Shut up and listen.” He growls. “It took him a while, a long while if you ask me, to learn to always be on guard whenever that dick is around. He would let himself believe there’s still a chance to get you back and that asshole would break him again and again until finally he accepted the fact you are lost. And now, when he found a way to manage, you come along and I can see he’s letting you in again. You’ll be gone anytime and Cas will be left with that excuse for a human wearing your face.”

“I don’t… Listen, man, it’s not like I can actually do anything about it. I mean the other me is who he is – what do you expect me to do?”

“I expect you to get away from Cas before it got out of hand. It’s been hard on him, don’t you get it? Losing that other you and still seeing him every single day! Being forced to be around and see the man you have become without being able to do anything. He tried again and again and again and every time he failed it broke him more and more. And now you come and you’re a reminder of whom he fought so hard to get back, whom he lost! You’ll leave and he’ll break again. Again!”

“Mike.” There’s a quiet voice from the doorway and we both look at him. “It’s enough.”

“No Cas, it’s not. You know I’m right.”

Cas looks at him for a moment longer and smiles sadly.

“I know who he is. I know our leader is not going to miraculously change back into my friend. It’s alright.”

“Yeah, and will it be alright when you OD again?” Mike hisses and I feel the dread I don’t think I felt before. “Will it be alright when you’re in a coma for a week again and that asshole won’t even come to see if you’re alive?!”

“It’s enough.” Cas repeats calmly.

“Yeah okay, it’s enough.” Mike retorts desperately. “You know where to find me when the shit hits the fan again.”

He strides off and Cas sighs.

“Sorry about that,” he shakes his head, “he just worries too much.”

“You ODed?” I ask staring at him.

“It was just an accident. Mike got it blown out of proportions.”

“Coma for a week? Seriously?”

“Yeah, well, I made a mistake. I wasn’t trying to OD, I just had a bad day and… It was an accident.” He dismisses it. “Besides, I’ve learned my lesson – pills are not to be consumed in handfuls!”

“Dammit Cas!”

“I didn’t know, okay? How was I supposed to know?”

“Is he right? Is me being here tough on you?”

“No, Mike just worries too much. I’m way past caring about the leader. He’s lost.” He says, but I know Cas. Even if he’s not Castiel anymore, I think I can spot his lie when I see it. I don’t want to push him though – the other me is definitely not someone I want to talk about. I think about what Mike said for a moment longer. Then I look at Cas with a grin.

“If you ask me, that Mike guy is freakin’ in love with you.”

“I won’t ask you then.” He chuckles. “It’s not true though, Mike’s a friend. But now you do get how the general consensus Mike and I are together was reached in this camp?”

“Yeah, I get it alright!” I grin. “If you hadn’t shown up, I’m pretty sure he’d have started peeing at the corners of the room, marking his territory.”

Cas laughs at that. “Good thing he didn’t come earlier, then. Might as well have peed on me to stop you from cuddling.”

“Argh, not cool, man!” I groan, but I can’t help but laugh. Yeah, I’m sure Mike would’ve been pissed to see me curled around Cas. I would’ve liked to see that! It’s petty and I know that, but the idea of Mike being all possessive of Cas annoys me – Cas is my family and even though this Cas is so different from the one I know, he’s also very much alike. There’s this fierceness about him, behind all the bullshit and all the pain he is still the guy who can look at you and you’re smited. Or is it smitten? Whatever. “Cas, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, what’s up?”

“You say you and Mike are not together as in together, but have you ever… You know, been with a guy? Not Mike, I mean… Any guy.” It’s so not my business, but I just can’t stop myself from asking.

He chuckles seeing how uncomfortable I am at all this.

“It’s weird for you, isn’t it?” He asks with a smirk. “Yeah, okay. Yes, I've had sex with a guy. Not Mike though, as I told you – he’s my family.”

“Okay.” I stammer. Cas, of all people! He’d nearly choked at the whorehouse and in this life he’s been experimenting! “It’s weird, alright. The version of you I remember freaked out over a whore and here you are – smoking weed, popping pills, shoving your tongue down month chick’s throat and apparently being into dudes too.”

“Gender roles in sexuality mean very little to me. Sex is the extension or rather the form of my father’s love given to humans as one of his many gifts and as such it was not meant to be judgmental or restrictive. People devised the rules and passed judgment on what is normal and what isn’t – it has nothing to do with sexuality my father created. And apparently I’m still angel enough not to obey the rules humans created.” He smiles. “Or to put it in simple words – whatever ticks. And yes, dudes tick for me.”

“Yeah, okay, I get it.” I nod and then mutter under my breath. “It’s still weird. You, of all people.”

“Alright, Dean. I think it’s time for you to see what’s happening behind the walls of my cabin. Zachariah brought you here for a reason after all.” He says suddenly. “Besides, I assume you’re starving by now?”

“You damn right I am!” I agree and as on cue my stomach rumbles.

“Ah, you got excited!” He smirks. “That is so adorable!”

“Shut up! I want to eat!”

“Yeah, well how about you tell me if you’re still excited when you see what passes for a food for mere mortals here?” He laughs. “Come on, let’s go eat.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I will only finish this story in 2014... It's a shame, I was hoping to be done with it before 2014 is no longer in the future... Anyway, this chapter is why the story is rated NC17, enjoy! :)  
> L.

After few bites of powdered eggs with sprayed cheese I have to agree with Cas – food here sucks! Not only does it suck, but it sucks big time. And I’m not even fussy about my food as long as there are no vegetables in it. It really is bad if I start thinking about tomatoes longingly. I suck it up anyway and eat everything I’m given. Cas sneaks out for a moment and when he’s back he hands me a Snickers bar.

“Some of the guys went on the raid couple of days back. I heard it was good raid and so I made a trade.” He starts eating his own tasteless eggs. “I know it must be hard – you’re not used to rations and it’s not like you’ve been eating for couple of days now.”

I push it back to him. “You need it way more than I do. Your bones are sticking out.”

“You didn’t seem to mind…” He drawls smirking and I kick his leg under the table. He laughs loudly and I swear everybody turns to look at us. “Seriously though – take it. Food is not something I particularly enjoy, so either eat it, or I’ll just give it to someone else.”

“How ‘bout we share?” I ask and he rolls his eyes.

“Fine, let’s share.”

We’re just finishing up when the other me strides in. He looks at me for a moment and then curses under his breath. I can see people start looking from him to me, back and forth.

“That is not going to be good.” Cas mutters under his breath. “Brace yourself.”

“Okay, everybody, calm down. No reason to freak out.” The other me says deceptively calmly. “There’s no shape shifter, ghost or whatever else there is between us. It’s complicated, but there’s no danger here.”

“I could make it really difficult for him now.” I mutter silently so that only Cas can hear me.

“Yep.” His lips twitch with a ghost of the smile. “But you better don’t.”

I shift in my seat torn between wanting to screw with the dick wearing my face and not wanting to cause more troubles. Cas grabs my wrist under the table and holds it firmly. “Really, don’t.”

I look at him and I see the same mischief in his eyes, but he shakes his head minutely.

“Not for him, for the others. They’re scared enough as it is.” He mumbles.

“Fine. You’re right.” I nod and then add silently. “I’d still like to fuck with him.”

“Talk about the incest.” Cas deadpans and it takes all I’ve got not to burst out laughing. Cas tightens his grip on my wrist warningly as the fearless leader approaches.

“So you thought it was a great idea to bring him here?” He asks Cas.

“We were hungry.” He says simply.

“Couldn’t you have brought something for him to your cabin?”

“Nobody gets more than one ration. Your orders, fearless. Besides, how was I to know you’d show up? Since when do you even eat with the rest?”

“I’m not here to eat.” He says and then pauses. He looks at Cas’ eyes for a long while and then finally says. “I found it.”

I feel the hand that’s still holding my wrist twitch a little at that. I think he has completely forgotten it.

“When?” Cas asks.

“Tomorrow.” The other me says. “We’re having a meeting tonight at nine. I want you to come. Bring Mike and him.” His eyes flicker towards me and back to Cas.

“Okay, we’ll be there.”

Few seconds later he turns around and strides away. I stare at Cas.

“What was that about?”

Cas smiles somewhat wildly at me.

“That was… No, you know what – I’ll let him tell this. We’re having a meeting in the evening, he’ll explain. And now… Hmm, let’s go, I’ll show you around.”

I try to press on, but Cas refuses to give me any more details. Instead he shows me the camp. He shows me how the things are organized and I have to admit, future me has a knack at organizing stuff. Everything here has its own place and purpose and it runs as a well oiled machine. I meet Chuck, who’s responsible for supplies here, meet Risa, who tries to slap me before Cas explains I’m not the one she’s mad at. Apparently, future me still sleeps around a lot. Risa’s responsible for the weapons. Cas shows me the protective sigils that are painted all over the fence surrounding the camp. He is responsible for them and so he checks them carefully, reapplying paint on some of them. It takes us a while to go through the entire camp, meeting people, seeing how things work here, but all through this there’s a strange sort of excitement radiating from Cas. He’s tensed and anxious, but in a strange sort of way, like a kid who can’t wait to go try a new rollercoaster ride, but is scared of it too. I try to get it out of him, but he deflects or laughs it off. Finally, we go fetch Mike before heading to the leader’s cabin.

Mike’s still pissed about Cas spending time with me, but he comes with us anyway. He assumes his position at Cas’ hip and doesn’t move an inch from him. It annoys me more than ever, but I don’t let myself think about the reasons this should irritate me. When we come to other Dean’s cabin, there are four other people there. I know Risa and Chuck and I’ve seen the other two, but I don’t remember their names. Cas settles in the corner of the room, out of the way and of course Mike’s right beside him. To annoy him, more than anything else, I sit on the other side of Cas, my shoulder bumping into him. He gives me a surprised look, but then grins at me and I literally can’t stop myself from throwing smug look at Mike, who looks like he’s bitten a lemon. As an added bonus, the fearless leader also looks pissed and I learned to enjoy that very much.

“Okay, so now you’re all here,” the leader begins and then pulls something out of his jacket, “I finally found it.”

“So that’s it? That’s the Colt?” Risa asks incredulously. I can see she’s still pissed, but at least she’s directing it at the right Dean this time.

“If anything can kill Lucifer, this is it.” Future me says.

“Great. Have we got anything that can find Lucifer?” She sneers.

“Are you okay?” He asks confused and I just can’t resist the urge.

“Oh… You were in Jane’s cabin last night. And… Apparently, you and Risa have a… connection.”

“You want to shut up?” He growls, but I glance at Cas and I can see he is shaking with silent laughter. I wink at him.

“We don't have to find Lucifer. We know where he is. The demon that we caught last week, he was one of the big guy's entourage. He knew.” The leader continues.

“So the demon tells you where the Satan’s gonna be and you believe him?” Risa asks.

“Trust me, he wasn’t lying.”

“And how do you know this exactly?” She snorts.

“Our fearless leader, I'm afraid, is all too well schooled in the art of getting to the truth.” Cas says unexpectedly and I choke.

“Torture? Oh… So we’re torturing again…” I stare at future me for few moments. “No, that’s… That’s good. Classy!”

Now Cas does laugh and the leader fixes his eyes on him.

“What?” Cas asks smirking. “I like past you.”

He stares at Cas for some time before turning away and fetching a map. He spreads it on the table and points his finger at it.

“Lucifer is here. I know this building and I know the block.”

“Oh, good. It’s right in the middle of the hot zone.” Cas frowns.

“Crawling with croats, yeah. You’re saying my plan is reckless?”

“Well, are you saying we walk straight up the driveway, past all the demons and the croats and we shoot the devil?”

“Yes.”

“Okay then, if you don’t like reckless, how does insouciant sound? Or maybe brash is more to your liking?” Cas offers.

“Are you coming?” The future me asks simply and Cas sighs, but there’s still that wild anxiety in his eyes.

“Of course. But why is he?” He nods in my direction. “I mean he’s you five years ago. If something happens to him, you’re gone, right?”

“He’s coming.”

Cas sighs again.

“Okay, well then I suppose it’s time to get the grunts moving.”

“Not you.” He says at once and Cas sits back. “Mike, Risa, have the trucks loaded and ready to move by 6am. Don, Emma – take care of the guns. Chuck – you’re in charge of patrol while we’re away. Dean… I don’t know, be useful.”

He doesn’t give Cas anything to do and I think it’s just another insult. I pull him up from the chair, Mike’s right behind us and we’re about to leave when the dick speaks again.

“Cas.” He stops and so do Mike and I. “A word.”

“Mike, go help Risa.” Cas says silently. “Dean, I’ll find you shortly.”

“Are you sure?” Mike asks suspiciously.

“Yeah, go. Both of you.”

We both get out of other Dean’s cabin and Mike strides to the trucks. I think about going to help Chuck, but I’m worried about Cas. So I decide to make sure the leader is not being a dick to him. I creep back towards the cabin. The window is open, so I sit there and listen.

“You understand I’m keeping my promise, don’t you?” The leader asks calmly.

“Yeah, I got it. Thank you. I was starting to think you wouldn’t.”

“I kept the other one too.”

“I know.” There’s a silence then. “I was afraid you’d do it on purpose. As a last blow.”

“I suppose you have more than enough reasons to think I’d do that.” I recognize the sadness in my own voice. “I wouldn’t though, not that.”

“Thank you.” He repeats and then says. “You have to think of the way to leave Mike behind.”

“Why would I want to do that?”

“Because I won’t let him die for this.” He says simply. What the hell does that even mean? Yeah, it’s dangerous, but it can’t be much more dangerous than regular raids to the city. Unless… Unless they’re not planning to succeed. I tense up.

“You’re more than willing to go yourself.”

“You know I am.” He agrees.

“But not your boyfriend? Are you in love with him or something?” He asks in a snarky tone. I don’t like Mike much, but this guy is beyond irritating. Cas is silent for a long while.

“You’re such an idiot.” He finally says in a silent, dejected voice. “Such a complete and utter idiot.”

I can hear him start walking towards the door, but then the leader stops him again.

“Wait. Don’t go. I know, okay? Please, stay.” He pleads and I’m surprised to hear this softness in my voice.

“What is it you want?” Cas asks tiredly.

“It’s the last night, Cas. It’s the end and I want you to stay.”

“Are you seriously trying to pull ‘the end of the world’ line on me?” Cas smirks and I can’t help but smile. He’s awesome.

“Is it working?” He asks and I can hear a smile in his voice. I don’t think I've even seen him smile.

“What are you doing, fearless? Didn’t you prove your point yesterday?” Cas asks cautiously.

“Don’t. Please, don’t call me that, not tonight. I just… Please, help me be that kid again… Help me be like him, just for tonight. Help me see past all this pain and crap and be that naïve and optimistic kid I was five years ago… Please Cas, stay with me.” I can hear him take a few steps and then they’re silent again. I’m about to peek, when I hear Cas ask.

“Is this real?”

“It’s real. It’s fucking real.” He groans and then they’re silent again until I swear I hear a moan. It can’t be, of course, but it did sound like an honest to god moan made in my voice. My voice! I can’t wait anymore so I look up and peek through the window. What I see makes me freeze entirely. I must be still high from yesterday and I must be hallucinating, because there’s no way a future version of me is pinning Cas to the wall and sucking on his neck! There’s no way his – my – his hands are working their way up the ex angel’s back, under his shirt. There’s no way Cas is arching into the touch. There’s no way future me is licking his way into Cas’ mouth and there’s no way they both moan into each other’s mouths!

Except that’s exactly what I see. Cas wraps his arms around future me neck and pulls him closer still. He latches his mouth to the hollow of my – his, dammit – neck and whatever he’s doing with his mouth must be amazing, because I have never seen that expression on my own face. Granted, I don’t usually see myself during sex, but I’ve been with kinky chicks that like mirrors, I know I don’t look like that. Yet this version of me is practically keening under Cas’ touch. What the fucking hell is happening?! And that’s when I thought things couldn’t get weirder here! Apparently, I am freakin’ hot for Cas…

“You’re sure?” Cas asks between kisses, his voice has gone rough and gravel like. The other me tightens his hold on Cas at the sound of it and I have to admit, it does sound… appealing. Dammit!

“Yeah, I'm sure.” The other me growls and he starts unbuttoning Cas’ shirt. I know I should go away at that, really what am I waiting for, I've seen enough to question myself for years to come, but I'm rooted to the spot, I literally can’t move. “I missed you Cas, so fucking much…”

“Don’t… You don’t have to say anything.” Cas kisses him, but the other me pulls back, his fingers still fumbling with the buttons.

“No, Cas. I've been silent for too long.” He mutters trailing the kisses down Cas’ throat. “I want you. Always did. I'm not good at this crap, now more than ever, but I fucking want you.”

“Please… Please don’t speak, I just can’t…” He begs pulling away. The other me catches him and kisses him again, sucking in his lower lip and finally unbuttoning his shirt. He slides his hands up Cas’ sides, caressing his lean frame until his thumbs find his nipples and start flicking them. Cas lets out a low groan and dammit does that sound go straight to my own dick! Fuck, fuck, fuck! I've got to get away from here… Except… I don’t really want to.

I watch as my future self lowers his head and sucks one of the pink and hard nubs into his mouth. Cas shudders and moans arching his back, moving into the touch. The future me grazes his nipple with his teeth and then sucks and flicks his tongue at the other one. His mouth is replaced by his fingers, still twisting and pulling gently as he trails his kisses lower. He sinks to his knees and starts unbuckling the belt. This should be my queue to get the fuck off, but instead I look at them fascinated, my own dick straining inside my pants.

The future me slides Cas’ pants and boxers down and I look at the patch of black, coarse hair framing his hard cock leaking with pre-cum. Cas is almost naked now, aroused and panting, his eyes almost black as he stares at future me, who licks his lips and then slides his tongue across the underside of his cock. Cas whimpers loudly and I have to stop myself from moaning.

“Dean…” He sighs his – my – his name and it’s so much like a prayer that I can’t stop myself from shuddering. The other me mouths at the tip of his cock and starts sucking greedily, his fingers digging into Cas’ hipbones. It’s surreal to watch myself suck other man’s dick and enjoy it so much! I mean I’ve never even kissed a guy before and here he is, wearing my face and sucking Cas’ brain out through his dick! Cas’ of all people! Oh, but the noises ex-angel makes should be made illegal. Seriously, he’s thrashing and moaning under future me ministrations, and I can’t concentrate anymore. Dammit, how have I never noticed just how fucking hot Cas is?

Future me hums around Cas’ dick as if it’s the best fucking thing to have in your mouth and I can see Cas coming apart. His hands are tugging at other Dean’s hair, directing him as he fucks his mouth carefully, but oh so deliberately. I can see Cas I know in him now – his single minded purpose, his will for completion. The other me hollows his cheeks and I can see he’s sucking as hard as he can, letting Cas go deeper with each thrust.

“Dean, Dean, Dean…” He moans and then twitches his hips uncontrollably couple of times and he’s coming hard. The other me doesn’t release him, instead he strokes him through his orgasm, sucking gently, cleaning him off. When he finally releases Cas, he slumps to his knees beside future me and pulls him into his arms.

“It’s the end Dean?” He asks silently, still panting. He kisses him slowly and thoroughly. “There’s no going back, right?”

“Yeah, it’s the end.”

“Okay, okay. It’s the end. I fucking missed you, Dean. I missed you and I love you and it’s the end so it can’t matter much.” He’s muttering feverishly between the kisses, but in the silence of the night I can hear them perfectly. “I love you, I always did and it doesn’t matter.”

“Hey, it matters.” The other me brushes Cas’ hair out of his eyes. “It fucking matters, okay? It doesn’t change things, but it matters.”

“No it doesn’t, but it’s okay, because I love you anyway.” Cas shifts and he’s leading future me to the bed. “It’s the end, at last! Finally, it doesn’t matter. We’re finally checking out.”

He pushes the future Dean down to the bed, crawls beside him and starts undressing him slowly.

“Hey, look at me.” The leader says. “It’s the end and I finally get to say this. You were always it for me. I’ve never felt this… Not with anyone. It was always you and it fucking matters. I’m so sorry…”

“Oh, no, no, no! Don’t you go there. It’s the end – we don’t have time for that. I have forgiven you for everything. These are just words and they matter even less. It’s the end and I don’t want to waste time on apologies when I love you so and when you’re finally back.”

“Cas…” He all but moans and for the first time since coming here I think that Cas hasn’t really changed that much. He’s still the guy who’d die for me – him in a heartbeat. He’s still the one, who’s seen me at my worst and chose to save me and help me and be my friend. The other me croaks. “It matters to me. It always did, even when I was too much of a dick to accept this. Dammit Cas… You have no idea how fucking jealous I’ve been all this time, how much I’ve wanted to take you back and not to let go. First Mike and now this idealistic kid who comes here and the first thing he does is latch himself to you! But… I just couldn’t Cas. I fucking couldn’t.”

“I know, Dean. You don’t have to explain yourself to me – I understand.”

I silently take few steps back. I can’t listen to this anymore. It’s not about sex or being hot for each other. What they are talking about is love and forgiveness and redemption and it’s too… personal, too intimate to listen to. So I just walk away while I still can.


	5. Chapter 5

I wake up with Cas’ hand on my shoulder shaking me gently. I open my eyes and see it’s dawn already. I look around and I can see he hasn’t slept here.

“It’s time, Dean.” He mutters silently. “Get dressed, we’re leaving in five.”

I look at him and my traitorous mind can help noticing he hasn’t slept much, if at all. I notice bruises and bites on his neck and I can’t help thinking what is it like to be the one biting and sucking at his flesh. I shake my head to clear my mind.

“Yeah, okay. You good?”

“Yeah.” He nods with a soft smile. “Let’s go kill the devil. By the way, Mike’s not coming, he’s been given patrol duty today.”

“I’m sure he was thrilled to hear that.” I grin. So, he got his way in the end. I suppose I should’ve known, I’d agree to that in future me place.

“Yeah, he shouted a lot.” Cas smiles. “You know, I think you would’ve really liked Mike if you got to know him. He’s a lot like you when it comes to family – stubbornly infuriating and overprotective.”

“Geez, thanks!” I groan and he laughs.

“Okay, get up or you’ll end up getting your ass kicked by yourself.”

“Yeah, right! I bet I can kick his ass – he’s an older guy now.”

“I’ve taught him how to fight like an angel. There’s no way you stand a chance against him.”

“Seriously Cas? What’s with the compliments today?”

“Sorry.” He chuckles. He’s in a great mood after getting laid – he’s human after all!

I drag my ass out of the bed and get dressed while Cas scribbles something in a notepad. He puts it in the drawer, but leaves it slightly open. I think it’s a note for Mike to find after we have left. What the hell are they planning and why does it look more like a suicide mission with every passing minute? They both said it was the end yesterday – are they serious? Is there no hope then?

“Cas?” I ask. “You think we’ll live through this?”

“You certainly will.” He nods.

“And you? And other me?”

“Well… If Lucifer can be killed with a Colt, then maybe… But… Even so, he will have to kill Sam and I don’t know if he can… I wish he didn’t have to, but it has to be him, he won’t have it any other way. I offered to do it, but he won’t even listen to me, so… Yeah, there’s a chance, but it’s not a good chance.”

“Okay.” At least he’s honest with me. It is a suicide mission after all.

“Let’s go, Dean. Let’s finish your holidays with a bang!” He chuckles again and we head out.

When we reach the trucks everyone is already there.

“Did you get enough of your beauty sleep?” The leader growls at me and I flip him a bird. Apparently, getting laid doesn’t improve my mood that much. Or maybe it does, because the look he shoots Cas is soft and warm. It only lasts for a second though. He looks back at me sourly. “You and Cas take the truck in the middle. Risa, Don with me in the front and Emma and Mark take the rear.”

We all scatter, but before Cas gets into the truck, I see Mike striding to him. Dammit, the least we need right now is the scene. I think my future incarnation has the same idea, because he stops mid step and frowns murder.

It appears we were wrong – Mike’s not there for a scene. He pulls Cas into a hug and is whispering something silently into his ear. Cas hugs him back and is saying something to him, quickly, heatedly. Finally, they both let go of each other and Mike rests his forehead against Cas’. Few seconds later Cas pulls back, smiles at him and kisses his cheek. Finally, he climbs into the truck and both I and future me follow.

“Seriously, man,” I tell Cas as he starts the truck, “that guy is in love with you.”

“No, he isn’t.” Cas shakes his head sadly. “That guy is more of a brother to me than my real brothers ever were. He’s like… He reminds me of Balthazar – my closest brother. You haven’t met him of course, you wouldn’t know. But Balt… He was the one who always fought by my side. He was the one who spoke for me after I was sent back to heaven to be reminded where my loyalties should lie. And he was the one who came for me before the angels left. He was always trying to protect me, but you can’t protect someone from himself. Balt didn’t know that and Mike doesn’t either.”

“No offense, Cas, but from where I’m standing, he’s simply in love.” I repeat and Cas rolls his eyes. We drive out of the camp territory. “Cas, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“So you and him, right?” I mumble uncomfortably. I have to know.

“Dean, I’m serious – Mike and I are not together that way.” He says exasperated.

“No, I don’t mean Mike.” I shake my head. “I saw you yesterday. You know, you and future me…”

Cas freezes for a second and then sighs.

“Dammit, you weren’t supposed to know that.” He mutters.

“Yeah, well, believe me I was shocked too! I mean I was worried he was being an ass to you so I went back and… What the hell, man?”

“What do you want me to say, Dean?” He looks at me tiredly. “It’s probably nothing you think it is. He and I… We haven’t been together in a long time.”

“Yeah, okay, but how did you even… I mean, I don’t even swing that way!”

Cas laughs at that and in retrospect, it is funny.

“Sorry to disappoint you, but you really do.”

“I’ve never…”

“I know. You told me that… If it’s any consolation, before you I’ve never slept with the guy too.”

“Oh my freakin’… Just tell me how did this even happen…” I ask. I mean seriously, how is this even possible? And most of all – why haven’t I known about this before? I mean I’m no teenager anymore! Don’t you get those urges then? I sure as hell didn’t! Yeah, okay, I might have thought some dudes were hot, but it’s not like I ever did anything about that…

“It… Okay, it’s not like it happened suddenly or anything. After I fell you and I went to Bobby’s. He wasn’t too happy about that at first, but eventually we found a way of living together without getting on each other’s nerves too much. You and I kept going on hunts, but nothing too dangerous at first and all the while you were trying to teach me all I needed to know to function as a human. I was a grumpy little bastard most of the time, or at least that’s what Bobby used to say, but he was teaching me stuff too. It took me months – learning how to shoot, how to shave, how to drive, how to recognize hunger and thirst, how to duck when someone tries to hit me, how to sleep through the night without nightmares waking me up… And all through that you were there – showing me, teaching me, repeating again and again that it will get better, that I’ll learn to enjoy this new life. We were together all the time – I was your substitute for Sam, someone to take care of and you… Well you were my tie to life. It was so natural in the end… I think it was a year after I had fallen that we went on a particularly hard hunt – nest of the vampires. We both nearly got killed and… I don’t know, maybe it was a hype of the hunt that pushed you or maybe it was just the right timing since we’ve been on the precipice of it for a long time by then. Anyway, after we killed the last one of those vampires, you kissed me.”

“ _I_ kissed _you_?!” I stammer. I was sure he made the first move.

“Well you can hardly think I did.” He chuckles. “Come on, Dean! I was an angel for millennia – I had no idea what it was that I felt. Yet when you did kiss me, all I could think of was – hey, that’s what’s been missing!”

“It’s a Twilight Zone kind of thing man…”

He chuckles. “Yeah, I imagine it’s hard for you to process that. Anyway, that kiss didn’t really change things – we still came back to Bobby’s after every hunt, we still looked for the way to stop Lucifer and you still were my friend. The only thing that changed was that I moved into your room at Bobby’s and we drove him crazy with the noises coming out of that room at night.”

“Oh my freakin’… With Bobby there?! Really?!”

“We lived there, where else do you think we were supposed to have sex if not in our bed?”

“I don’t want to think about it.” I groan and close my eyes.

“Yeah, okay. Well, that’s about it anyway. I pretty much told you what happened after.”

“Except you forgot to mention that we were fucking each other in the process!”

“Well… Not exactly. After Sam said yes… Whatever it was the other you felt for me changed.” He says in a tight voice and I understand it’s painful for him. “When he snapped out of the stupor, he said it was a mistake and he didn’t want this to continue. He pretty much stopped talking to me after that. I moved back to my room for a while and then he decided to move to the camp. I went with him, still hoping he’d come back to me, but… Well, he did come to me from time to time, after particularly bad raid or after losing someone or when he was drunk… And I thought, well, as long as he still needs me, maybe we have a chance and, you know… But then he started going through camp’s women, sleeping in different cabin every night and I just couldn’t stand it anymore. So I went back to Bobby’s. We lived together for a few months, but then he came for me. He said I owed my life to him and he needed me there and just like that I had hopes again. I asked Bobby to come with us, because I just couldn’t stand the loneliness of the camp and I knew I can’t expect Dean to miraculously be with me and Bobby… He tried to convince me to let him go, not to go with him. He’d seen how bad it was for me, but I just couldn’t… Not yet anyway. So he agreed to come with us.

We lived in Chitaqua for over a year and it was getting worse with every loss, with every outbreak of the croatoan. I saw he hated me, I saw he blamed me for losing Sam, for fighting a losing the battle, for angels leaving, for human losses… He yelled at me and insulted me and pushed me away in all and every way and yet… Sometimes, he’d come to me at night and tell me he needed me there and I would stay.

In the mean time I found Mike, made friends with couple of people and we all formed a tight team, together with Bobby of course. Bobby… He tried to convince me leave the camp from day one… The shouting matches he’d got into with Dean whenever he was an ass to me… And I was always defending him, can you imagine? It pissed Bobby and Mike off more than anything else.

Finally, one night after he came to me again I told Dean that I could no longer do this, that I loved him and I needed him to come back to me. He just laughed and said I was an idiot to think he’d ever loved me. He left then and he stopped coming to me. A month later I asked Bobby if I could live in his old house and we all left. You should’ve seen the relief on Mike’s and Bobby’s faces when I told them I was done with the whole thing. They literally offered to throw me a party – called it ‘coming back to sanity’ party. That first night we all got hammered and after that we tried to build a new life for ourselves. And for few months, despite of me wanting to go back to him all the time, we were actually quite happy.”

“You know Cas, back home I was sometimes wondering why you put up with the crap I’m pulling, but really… Your threshold of putting up with my crap is somewhere in stratosphere, isn’t it? Why the hell did you put up with him? He was an asshole to you!”

Cas smiles at me sadly.

“Because despite of it all I knew that behind that front and behind all that crap there’s… you.”

“Your faith in me and in that dick is bordering insanity, man!”

“I was right though, wasn’t I? You’ve seen him yesterday. Now, that he doesn’t have to be a fearless leader anymore, he’s back and even though he doesn’t have it in him to say the words, I know he fucking loves me just as much as I love him.” And dammit, I can see he’s happy!

“Yeah, alright, I suppose he does love you, but that doesn’t make you any less insane, dude!” I growl and he laughs.

“Of course not! Come on, Dean – it’s the end of the world and I’ve been broken and I have fallen in all the ways possible, of course I’m insane!” Cas chuckles and I can't help but think how human this Cas really is and yet how similar he is to Castiel I know.

“It’s so fucked up…”

“Yeah, it is. But it doesn’t have to be in your world. It’s too late for this version of us – we’re dying today, but you can still change it in your world.”

“You think?” I ask him a bit sarcastically. I think this gloom is finally getting to me.

“I know that. All you have to do is save Sam. When Zachariah takes you back, find Sam, talk to him, tell him about the world you’ve seen here and take care of him. Don’t let him say yes and don’t say yes yourself. You two are strong together, you’ll pull through and most importantly, you won’t lose yourself ever again.”

“And what about you?”

“You mean your version of me? Leave him out of it.”

“What do you mean?” I ask startled. There’s fierceness in his face now.

“I mean… Look, if you hadn’t found out about this version of us, I think you’d never repeat this in your time. If you had Sam by your side, you’d definitely not have time to take care of me. That means there would be no way of us falling in love there. Now you know… And I just don’t know how that can change things. So I’m telling you – don’t get involved with that Castiel.”

“Um… Not that I’m planning to, but… Why?”

“Because it was never meant to be. It was a mistake, I should have never fallen in love.”

“You regret it…”

“No, I don’t. I don’t regret anything – he made me very happy once. But that doesn’t matter. Angels are not supposed to fall in love – we suck at it. And you have enough on your plate without helpless load of ex-angel on your hands. Besides, if you pull through the Apocalypse, if you stop it, you’ll have a chance at a normal life – family, wife, kids. I’ve seen you with kids – you really ought to have one of your own, to live a normal human life. So just please – don’t let him be around, focus on Sam and the apocalypse and push him away. He will help you anyway, you won’t lose that.”

“Cas, you realize you’re asking me to become that dick to you?”

“No, I’m not. I’m asking you not to let the other me stand in your way. I’m asking you not to hurt him when you finally realize that he is in your way and that he’s definitely not what you need. I’m asking you to save him from this pain.”

“But you said… You said he loves you.”

“Yes, he does love me. But Dean… You must know this better than I do, that Dean Winchester does not operate on want, much less love. It took me ages, but I finally realized – he operates on duty and obligation. It’s wired in him, bone deep. It doesn’t matter what he loves or wants; that’s just not important. He believes, as do you for that matter, it’s not a recent development anyway, that he doesn’t deserve to be saved. Or loved. And by extension he believes I don’t deserve that either, because I’m an idiot who actually loves him.

It’s the end of his life and finally last night he allowed himself to have something he wants – how could I have denied him that, even if I wanted to? I mean, do you see how messed up it is? This is why I always let him come back – I can’t push him away, because he’s doing that himself. So I always let him come to me… But… That’s not how I operate. I disobeyed for him, I fell for him, I rejected my duties and obligations for him and I stayed with him. It was not I, in the end, who is obedient little soldier, who’s daddy’s hammer, you see? It’s so simple when you think of it… There is no way, no way at all, Dean could have been mine. And it’s not about choices or mistakes we made, there’s just no possible way for Dean and me to be together, because as long as there’s duty, Dean will always choose it over me and there can’t be world without duty, can there? If not Sam, then humanity. If not humanity, then revenge. There will always be something that is more important than what he wants and he will always choose it. So please, Dean, don’t let Castiel you know fall in love with you. I don’t want any version of me to have to go through this, so please don’t let him be close to you. It’s still early, isn’t it? You come from the time just after the whorehouse incident, right?”

I nod. There are just no words I can think of now.

“Okay, so then it’s not too late, I think. He doesn’t yet know he’s falling for you and I see no reason he should find out. I remember being very naïve back then. Push him away, don’t let him stay around and it’ll be good.”

“It just sucks, man!” I finally mutter.

“It doesn’t have to. It’s going to be alright, Dean. I know Zachariah brought you here to make a point – to show you that you have to say yes to Michael. But, Dean… Zachariah is an idiot and he hasn’t got a speck of imagination. If he did – he’d have never sent you here, because when you think of it – there’s no way in hell I’d ever tell you to say yes and he should’ve thought about that. So… You’ve learnt a lot of what happened here, have it in mind and… you know, save the world.” He laughs.

“Yeah, you make it sound real easy…”

“It’s not easy and of course it’s going to be difficult for you and Sam, but you two can pull through. The one, who started it, must end it. That’s you Dean, so end it, but end it on your terms and don’t let my brothers be dicks to you.”

“I have no idea what I’m doing, you know that, right?” I ask a bit desperately and he grins at me.

“So make it up as you go. You’re awesome at that!”

“You know what – this pep talk is making me uncomfortable.” I groan and he laughs.

“Hard to be inspired by a dead man?”

“You might pull through, you know…” The idea of him dying, whatever version Cas is, makes me sick.

“Yeah, I might.” He agrees, but I can see he’s just saying that to make me feel better.

“What was the promise he made you?” I ask and he looks at me questioningly. “You know, yesterday, he said it was him keeping the promise.”

“Oh… He promised he wouldn’t leave me alone in this life. He promised to take me with him when he decides to check out.”

“So it is a suicide?”

“In a way. Even if he succeeds to kill the devil, he’s killing Sam too and that’s as good as suicide to him. And if he fails – Lucifer will kill him. So either way, after tonight, he’s dead.”

“And you?”

“I think he’s hoping I’ll get through this. That’s why he wanted to take Mike and that’s why there are so many of us here. But if he dies, I die.”

“You two are fucked up, dude.”

“Tell me about it.” He agrees with a smirk.

“So it is the end then.” I sigh.

“Look, Dean… You’re nice and all and I do like this past version of you a lot, but I’m really into older you, so if you’re trying to pull ‘end of the world’ line on me, it’s not gonna work…” He deadpans and I gape at him for a few full seconds before I realize he’s messing with me. He starts laughing loudly and I want to scowl and bitch about him being an ass, but I just laugh with him. We come to a stop then and we’re still laughing as we get out of the truck.

“You should’ve seen your face!” He gasps laughing and dammit I just can’t stop, especially not when the future me shoots me an evil eye. I laugh so hard I have to hold onto the truck not to double over. I think that’s all that tension that’s getting to me, because even I can hear a bit of hysterics in the sound of my laughter. Cas rounds the truck and puts a steadying hand on my shoulder. He’s still grinning brightly and I suddenly realize just how freakin’ blue his eyes are in the morning sun. Oh shit…

The future me comes over then.

“We’re on a mission to kill the devil; will you two pull yourself together?” He hisses at me, but the look he shoots Cas is still warm and there’s a shadow of a smile on his lips.

“Sorry.” Cas mutters with a smile. “Past you was being unintentionally funny.”

“Me?” I ask incredulously.

“Well I wasn’t the one trying to pull ‘end of the world’ line on you…” He drawls and I just can’t help but laugh again, especially when I see the leader narrow his eyes at me.

“Go help Risa with the guns.” He barks at me and as I walk away I still notice him pressing Cas against the truck and kissing him. Apparently, not only am I hot for him, I'm also jealous. With me… go figure!

When they come over to the rest of us five minutes later, Cas’ hair is messier than ever and their lips are red and swollen. As the future me snaps back into the leader mode and starts barking orders, I idly wonder what do Cas’ lips taste like and what does it take to make his bottom lip become so plump and… I shake my head. Dammit, what the hell is wrong with me?! I concentrate on future me instead. We are to divide – Cas will lead the entire group save me and future me towards the back door, while we go round and try getting in through the garden and shooting Lucifer.

I see the looks future me and Cas exchange and I realize why it all feels like a lie – Cas will be leading a decoy party, they are the sacrifice. The thought makes my stomach clench and I feel sick, but the look of wild excitement on Cas’ face sets me to rest – they have both made their choices, there’s nothing I can do for them here. I will do all it takes for the history not to repeat itself though – there’s no way I’m letting this happen in my time.

We all get our guns and get into positions. Cas and future me looks at each other one last time and I see pain mirrored in both of their eyes. They smile at each other though, then nod and go to the opposite directions. I stare at Cas’ back for a second longer and then run to him, spin him around and hug him firmly. I think he’s momentarily startled, but in a second he wraps his arms around me and mutters, “It’s alright, Dean. It’s my choice and it’s alright.”

“I’m so sorry, Cas. For all that happened, for all I did and he did. I’m so fucking sorry…”

“It’s not your fault and you don’t have to apologize. Just remember what I said and don’t let this happen again.” He mutters. “You can do it, Dean. I know you can, just don’t let him say yes and don’t accept Michael.”

“Cas…” Is all I manage, and even that comes out too much like a sob for my liking.

“Shh, it’s alright. Just save Sam and save yourself, because I… I couldn’t.” His arms tighten around me for a second and then he’s pulling away. “Go, or he’ll kick your ass.” He chuckles and then turns and strides away without glancing back.

I take a deep breath, try to pull myself together and prepare for the future me bitching at me for this display, but when I look at him, he’s still staring at Cas’ back and there’s so much pain in his eyes that I literally freeze. He shakes his head a moment later and then barks at me, “Let’s go!”

With the last glance at the retreating group I follow future me towards the garden.


	6. Chapter 6

“There should be croats everywhere.” He hisses under his breath. “And demons…”

“What are you saying?” I ask.

“I'm saying the dick cleared the path for me. He’s waiting.”

“Then why are you going there? You can still go back, ambush him any other time.”

“No, it’s gonna be today. I’ll try to sneak on him. Follow me and be quiet – you’re here to watch only.”

We creep towards the garden silently, but there’s no one in our way. It’s so silent that I actually jump when I hear the first gunshot echoing from the direction the others went to. Future me snaps his head up and stares towards the sound of gun shots tearing at the silence, followed by shouts and screams. I can see his fists clench and he grits his teeth, but then he shakes his head and starts walking again, faster now, until finally we sneak into the garden and we both freeze.

“Stay here.” He mouths and moves into the clearing of the garden. I stay hidden behind the fence and watch him approach the devil.

I never thought I’d live to the day when seeing Sammy would only cause a dread and horror rushing through me. It’s not Sam, of course, and I know it in my mind, but I can’t help seeing Sam in him. He’s all dressed up in white, quite the freakin’ dandy. Sam wouldn’t be caught dead in an outfit like that. He’s also holding a rose in his hand as he watches the future me come closer. Seriously, I know angels are dicks, but this one is also a tremendous douche, by the looks of it.

“At last.” Lucifer says with a soft smile that distorts Sam’s features. He never smiles like that. “You never disappoint, Dean.”

“There’s always a first time.” The future me growls, but Lucifer just laughs.

“Not for you, though.” He snaps his head up and at the same instance the shots echo loudly from the direction he is looking at. “Ah, and you even brought my poor, lovesick little brother! Now, now, Dean, what have I ever done to deserve such favors?”

“Cas has nothing to do with this!”

“Oh, but he has everything to do with this!” The dick laughs and I can barely contain a snarl ripping through me. Future me looks like he’s on the verge of snapping too. “He made it possible for me to get Sam, you see. I convinced your lonely little brother that you no longer cared about him, that you had Castiel to take care of now. They call me devil for a reason, you know. I can convince anyone of anything. I can twist their darkest secrets and deepest fears and make them believe whatever I want them to believe.” His voice is deceptively calm, but there’s smugness and triumph beneath the coolness. “But I don’t have to tell you any of this, now do I? You believe it’s Castiel’s fault anyway and he is here to die for it.”

“I didn’t… It’s not… Leave him out of it! It’s between you and me!” The other Dean shouts and Lucifer narrows his eyes.

“You brought me a sacrifice, Dean, and I intend to take it!” He snarls and then looks back to where the shouts are coming from, frowns, but then there’s a bout of shots again and he laughs jubilantly. “Finally! You have no idea how long I wanted to get my hands on him – the little rebel that refused to join me! And it’s for Sam’s benefit too, of course; he hated him, loathed the angel who became more important to you than your own brother.”

“That’s a lie!” Future me snarls shaking all over.

“Maybe.” Lucifer allows with a soft smile. “It doesn’t matter anymore. The idiot’s dead. Ah, but the surge of dying grace, even weakened to almost human, is delicious.”

“No!” He shouts and even though my insides twist with pain for his, and frankly my, loss, I can still see the scene unfolding in front of my eyes with frightening sharpness. The future me moves on an impulse, instincts more than anything else. He lifts the Colt, points it straight into Lucifer’s face, cocks the hammer and pulls the trigger. It all happens in the matter of 2 seconds and I watch Lucifer, well, it’s really Sam now, fall down. Dean is shaking all over as he sinks to his knees. He buries his face in his hands and sobs desperately, tremors shaking his entire body. It’s a painful reminder of the time I held Sam’s dead body in my arms, crazed with grief and sorrow and I’m so engulfed in it that I notice it too late, and the future version of me doesn’t notice it at all.

“Dean!” I shout as Lucifer sits up, no traces of wound left on him. They both look at me – future me is startled by the panic in my voice, no doubt, while Lucifer is mildly intrigued at first and then triumphant later. “Look out!” I yell, but as the leader turns back to Lucifer I hear a loud snap of Lucifer’s fingers and sickening crack of my future version’s neck. He falls face first to the ground and is finally still.

Lucifer stands up, staring at me, smiling his horrid smile that is so out of place on Sam’s face.

“Hello, Dean.” Lucifer smirks. “Aren’t you a surprise?”

Before I can say anything he disappears from my sight and I just feel him behind me. I whirl around.

“You’ve come a long way to see this, haven’t you?” He asks calmly and I think it’s a shock more than anything, shock of losing Cas, losing my future self and seeing Sam distorted like this, that propels my answer. “Well, go ahead. Kill me.”

“Kill you?” He asks raising his eyebrows and glancing at future me. “Don’t you think that would be a little… redundant?” He makes an over-dramatic sigh and I grit my teeth. “I’m sorry. It must be painful, speaking to me in this… shape. But it had to be your brother. It had to be.”

The dick actually extends his hand as if to console me. I glare at him and move back.

“You don't have to be afraid of me, Dean. What do you think I'm going to do?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe deep-fry the planet?” I snarl. The fucking dandy actually examines the rose he’s been holding!

“Why? Why would I want to destroy this stunning thing? Beautiful in a trillion different ways. The last perfect handiwork of God.” He says dreamily, but then his tone sharpens. “You ever hear the story of how I fell from grace?”

I roll my eyes at him angrily. “Oh, good God, you're not gonna tell me a bedtime story, are you? My stomach's almost out of bile.”

He ignores me entirely.

“You know why God cast me down? Because I loved him. More than anything. And then God created... You. The little... hairless apes. And then he asked all of us to bow down before you; to love you, more than him. And I said, ‘Father, I can't.’ I said, ‘These human beings are flawed, murderous.’ And for that, God had Michael cast me into hell. Now, tell me, does the punishment fit the crime? Especially, when I was right? Look at what six billion of you have done to this thing, and how many of you blame me for it.”

I sneer at him. I heard this crap before – poor misunderstood brat with daddy issues!

“You're not fooling me, you know that? With this sympathy-for-the-devil crap. I know what you are.”

“And what am I?” He asks.

“You're the same thing, only bigger. The same brand of cockroach I've been squashing my whole life. An ugly, evil, belly-to-the-ground, supernatural piece of crap. The only difference between them and you is the size of your ego.” I growl and I’m pretty sure I’m about to be smitten. But no, the dick only smiles.

“I like you, Dean. I get what my poor little brother saw in you. Goodbye. We'll meet again soon.”

“You better kill me now!” I bellow as he turns to leave. He turns back.

“Pardon?”

“You better kill me now. Or I swear, I will find a way to kill you. And I won't stop.” I promise.

“I know you won't. I know you won't say yes to Michael, either. And I know you won't kill Sam. Whatever you do, you will always end up here. Whatever choices you make, whatever details you alter, we will always end up… here. I win. So, I win.”

“You're wrong.”

“See you in five years, Dean.” Is the last thing he says and then before I can retort there’s a lightning flash and he’s gone. I turn around at the tingling feeling that someone is behind me and sure enough, the last thing I see before the darkness engulfs me is Zachariah reaching for my head with his two fingers.

The first thing I’m aware of when the darkness dissipates is the same motel room I fell asleep in 3 days ago. I lean against the kitchenette sink to pull myself together. I really, really hate the angel whamming thing. I notice Zachariah standing next to me, smirking stupidly.

“Oh, well, if it isn't the ghost of Christmas screw you.”

I can see I'm getting on his nerves, but he lets out a deep breath and smiles as pleasantly as he can, being the head of dicks. “Enough. Dean, enough. You saw it, right? You saw what happens. You're the only person who can prove the devil wrong. Just say yes.”

“How do I know that this whole thing isn't one of your tricks? Some angel hocus-pocus?”

“The time for tricks is over. Give yourself to Michael. Say yes and we can strike. Before Lucifer gets to Sam. Before billions die.”

I stare at him for a moment, thinking about what I saw with my own eyes and all the things Cas told me. Finally, I close my eyes and shake my head. “Nah.”

“Nah?” He asks incredulously and I can see he’s struggling to keep himself together. “You telling me you haven’t learned your lesson?

“Oh, I've learned a lesson, all right. Just not the one you wanted to teach.”

“Well, I'll just have to teach it again! Because I got you now, boy, and I'm never letting you…”

I suddenly feel the sickening lurch in my stomach and have a second to think that I really, really hate angel mojo, when the next second I’m standing in the middle of deserted road staring at Cas’ face. I let out a sigh of relief and before I can stop myself, I pull Cas into my arms and hug the crap out of him. Even as I bury my nose in his hair, my mind can’t help cataloguing how different this Castiel is to the one I just saw walk towards his death. Cas I hugged there was human, pliant and warm, and he smelled of earth and grass and all those human things. Castiel I’m hugging now is so far from human, my mind can’t even wrap itself around it. His posture is straight and stiff, even though he does wrap his arms around me awkwardly. He’s not pliant at all, he’s stock still. He’s clean, his suit and the trench coat, I now realize I actually missed, are in mint condition. But most of all, he smells differently. Like a lightning, my mind supplies helpfully. And yet… He’s warm and he’s alive, and most of all – he’s real.

“That’s pretty nice timing, Cas.” I finally mutter forcing myself to let him go. He actually gives me one of his rare lopsided smiles, so unlike the other Cas’. I’m momentarily torn to understand which one I like better.

“We had an appointment.” He says with the same smile and just like that I know. That Cas was awesome, but he wasn’t my Cas, he belonged with the future me. And this one… This one is fucking mine and dammit if I'm not royally screwed... “How did Zachariah find you?”

“It’s a long story. Let's just stay away from Jehovah's Witnesses from now on, okay?”

He nods and then asks me. “What did he show you?”

“The future.” I tell him. “A version of it, anyway. What happens if I don’t say yes.”

“And are you alright?” He asks frowning. “You have to know Zachariah only showed you what he wanted you to see. The future is not set in stone; it’s fluid and it can change. Be as it may, I imagine it was it hard to see?”

“Yeah, it sucked.” I nod and then smile at him. “But you were there, you know? And you were badass!”

“I was? Was I very different there?” He asks staring at me with those goddamn blue eyes that are somehow blue even in the middle of the night. My mouth runs dry at that stare and I itch to touch him again. I force myself to stay still and instead I look at him for a moment longer. Finally, I grin.

“No, man, you were just the same. You were fucking amazing!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so it's the first time I killed Dean and Cas. It was harder than I though it'd be.  
> Anyway, hope you liked the story!  
> Btw, you know this Linkin Park song Castle of Glass? I honestly think it's an awesome song for 2014 Dean and Cas. Could as well be written for them...


End file.
